Big Dumb Loser
by llxxRawr its Beansxxll
Summary: Based on 'Big Pink Loser'. I own nothing.


**French Narrator: Welcome to Ponyville, where we find the finest specimens of equestrian life. Aha! Well, here not.**

Derpy is delivering at a house, mail bag strapped around her back. She has various dirt marks and tree branches in her hair from crashing into things along her route, and she reaches into her bag to pull out a package for the house she's delivering at. The gray Pegasus curiously opened the box and looked inside when nopony was looking.

Derpy: An award? I never got an award before! Eeeeee! Look house, I got an award!

In response, the house's cable antenna falls off. Derpy heads for the sky and sees a dark cloud.

Derpy: Storm cloud, I got an award!

The cloud zaps her with lightning, and she falls down to the ground. But that doesn't deter her from her mission of telling everypony of her accomplishment, as she flies to space next time and goes all the way to Equestria's only natural satellite: the Moon.

Derpy: Moon, I got an awar-ACK!

Due to the lack of air in space, Derpy heads back to her own planet and gently floats down on her wings.

Derpy: I've gotta show Rainbow Dash!

Rainbow: Hold still, Tank.

In her cloud mansion, the multicolored Pegasus pony is building Spitfire from the Wonderbolts out of cards with her pet turtle watching. He has a propeller strapped to his shell so he doesn't fall through the clouds and die.

Rainbow: Almost done…

Derpy suddenly bursts in and topples the cards.

Derpy: Hey, Rainbow Dash, guess what?! I got an award!

Despite having worked all day, Rainbow tries her best to be patient with the mentally slow mare.

Rainbow: That's great, Derpy! What's it for?

Derpy: See for yourself.

She shows the award to Rainbow Dash, who reads the label.

Rainbow: 'For Outstanding Achievement in Flight: Rainbow Dash'?

Derpy: Rainbow Dash? That's a funny way to spell my name.

Rainbow: Derpy, I think the award is for me. You must have got it by mistake.

Derpy: But it's shiny.

Rainbow: Yeah, but you know what else is shiny?

Derpy: Muffins!

Rainbow: Exactly!

Derpy: I can find 'em! Are they in here?!

Rainbow: No, don't! That's my…!

When Derpy opens the door, a mountain of trophies, medals, and badges piles on top of them like an avalance.

Rainbow: …award closet.

Derpy looks at all the awards around her and starts to cry.

Derpy: I want an award!

Rainbow pops out of the debris with two medals on her eyes.

Rainbow: Aw, Derpy, don't cry!

She flies over to console the sobbing Pegasus.

Rainbow: You'll get an award one day.

Derpy: I'm never gonna get an award because I haven't done anything.

Rainbow: But you're Derpy…_Hooves. _You can do anything you want.

Derpy: That's easy for you to say. You're Rainbow _Dash._

Rainbow: Derpy, if you want to win an award, you have to do something.

Derpy: Hmm…I wanna defeat the Giant Monkeyman and save the Ninth Dimension!

Rainbow: Me, too! But that sounds a little hard. Why don't we start smaller?

Derpy: …I wanna defeat the Little Monkeyman and save the Eighth Dimension!

Rainbow: Smaller.

With each idea, Rainbow spontaneously shrinks.

Derpy: Doctor?

Rainbow: Smaller.

Derpy: Firepony?

Rainbow: (high pitched voice) As small as you can think of!

Derpy: A job at weather patrol?

Rainbow: Yeah!

She grows back to her normal size.

Rainbow: I do things at work all the time!

Derpy: Then let's go!

She grabs Rainbow Dash, but only manages to pull her wings along with her.

Later, up in the clouds, Rainbow and various other Pegasi are monitoring the clouds and clearing the sky.

Derpy: Boy, it sure was nice of Mayor Mare to give me a job.

Rainbow: And at 50 bits an hour, too. When I started working here, I had to pay the city 100 bits an hour.

They fly over to a timid yellow Pegasus hiding behind a cloud due to her fear of heights.

Rainbow: Hey, Fluttershy, guess who just got a job?!

Fluttershy: G-guess who just quit?

She graciously puts her goggles on Derpy's crossed eyes and zips back to her house, thankful to be back on the ground.

Derpy: Do I get my award yet?

Rainbow: You have to work for it, remember?

Derpy: Horseradish.

At the weather factory in Cloudsdale, weather ponies mix up a cloud and push it into the air.

Factory Workers: Pick up cloud!

Derpy grabs a straw and sucks up all the water in the cloud. Just as the workers are about to yell at her, Rainbow flies up and signals that she can handle it.

Derpy: Do I get my award now?

Rainbow: No, you have to take the cloud to Sweet Apple Acres.

Derpy: Okay.

Derpy tries her hardest, but eventually, she flies over to Applejack's farm with no cloud in her hooves. By this point, her belly is fat and plump from all the water in it.

Rainbow: Almost. Try again, and this time, make sure the cloud gets to the farm.

Applejack is happily waiting in the orchard for Derpy when she sees the cloud, but her look soon turns to anger when she sees her drink up the cloud before her eyes.

Derpy: Like that?

Rainbow: Nope.

Derpy: GLUESTICKS!

As she yells, water comes out of her mouth like a waterfall and floods Sweet Apple Acres. Applejack can be heard below, swearing and cursing at the two Pegasus ponies.

Rainbow: Let's try something different.

She leads her over to an office made of clouds. In the office is a desk and a plain dial phone from the 70s.

Rainbow: All you have to do is answer the phone.

Derpy: Okay, Rainbow Dash.

Pretty soon, the phone rings and Derpy answers it, as she was told.

Lyra: (over the phone) _Is this weather patrol?_

Derpy: No, this is Derpy.

She hangs up and whistles until she hears another call.

Fancy Pants: _Is this weather patrol?_

Derpy: (annoyed) No…this is Derpy.

She hangs up again and whistles her happy tune until another ring is heard.

Carrot Top: _Is this weather patrol?_

Derpy: NO! THIS IS DERPY!

She angrily slams the phone down and crosses her front legs over her chest.

Derpy: I'm not a weather patrol.

Rainbow: Uh…Derpy, that's the name of our squad.

Derpy: Huh?! Oh, marshmallows!

Later, Rainbow and a depressed Derpy going over other jobs she could do.

Rainbow: There's some fog down by Ponyville. How about you clear it out?

Derpy: What's the point? I can't do anything right.

Rainbow: You'll do fine.

This advice doesn't help Derpy, as she weakly clears the fog away by hitting it with her tail. Suddenly, a colt appears and greets her.

Colt: Hey, pal. You just blow in from Stupidtown?

Rainbow: Keep trying, Derpy!

Another mailpony shows up (because there's more than one), carrying various boxes.

Mailpony: I've got a load of awards for Rainbow Dash!

Derpy heard him and growls with anger.

Derpy: WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!

She repeatedly bashes the fog and only manages to spread it throughout Ponyville. Carriages crash into each other because visibility is near zero, and everypony runs abot in chaos. Amidst the confusion, Rainbow quickly pushes her friend into a nearby warehouse.

Derpy: I'm never going to get an award now.

Rainbow: Don't give up, Derpy. This time, I've got something I know you can do. We're gonna open a jar.

She grabs a jar from a nearby container full of them and opens it.

Rainbow: Easy. Now, you try. First, get a jar.

She grabs a muffin out of nowhere.

Rainbow: Derpy, that's a muffin.

Derpy: Yes.

Rainbow: You need a jar.

She gets a spatula and presents it to Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow: No.

She takes off her goggles and holds them out.

Rainbow: No.

Next, she takes Rainbow Dash and holds her up.

Rainbow: No. Try this!

She gives Derpy a jar, which she cradles in her hooves.

Rainbow: Now, take the lid off the jar.

Confused, Derpy sticks the lid in her mouth.

Rainbow: Just relax. Lift your hoof.

She does so.

Rainbow: Great! We're almost there. Now, put it on the lid.

She puts it on a shelf.

Rainbow: The lid.

She reaches for thin air.

Rainbow: The lid!

She tries every possible spot but the lid, so Rainbow Dash keeps correcting her.

Rainbow: The lid. The lid! The lidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlidlid-FREEZE!

Derpy pants for air. Her hand is now on the side of the jar.

Rainbow: Almost there. Now, head for the lid.

Her hoof slides further down the jar.

Rainbow: Cold!

She reaches higher on the jar.

Rainbow: Warmer…warmer…warmer. You're hot! YOU'RE HOT! You're on fire!

Derpy: OW, IT BURNS!

Rainbow: Okay, okay, wait, wait! Do exactly…as I do.

Derpy watches in amazement as Rainbow takes the lid off the jar.

Rainbow: Exactly…as I do.

She makes it easy for her by repeating the process of opening the jar.

Rainbow: Exactly…exactly…exactly...

Derpy: Exactly as you do.

She takes the lid off the jar, just as Rainbow Dash did.

Derpy: Oh no, I broke it!

Rainbow: No, no, Derpy, you did it!

Derpy: I did?!

They both run around the warehouse, cheering and whooping from Derpy's great accomplishment.

After a while, they exit the warehouse and fly away from the foggy mess that is Ponyville together. Many weather patrol Pegasi work tirelessly to rid the town of the fog.

Rainbow: That was great, Derpy! You really got the hang of it.

Derpy: Remember when I had my hoof up? And I put it on the lid?!

Rainbow: Oh, yeah.

Derpy: Then, I took the lid off, and I thought I broke it?!

Rainbow: Hehe, yeah!

Derpy: But I didn't! I opened the jar with my hoof! And it was all because you showed me how to do it. I'm never gonna forget this.

Rainbow: Derpy, you do exactly as I do, and you'll have an award in no time.

The next morning, Rainbow bursts out of her house, ready to fly to work.

Rainbow: I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!

Along the way, she notices Derpy, but something was different about her. Her mane was dyed into multiple colors, her entire coat was a cyan blue, and her cutie mark was even painted over with a cloud emitting rainbow lightning. All of this was rather sloppily done, but the only way Rainbow could even tell it was Derpy was by her crossed eyes.

Derpy: Good morning, Rainbow Dash!

Rainbow: Wow. It's amazing how a simple change of colors can make a girl look…just…like…me.

Derpy: Yup. If I'm gonna be an award winner, I've gotta look like one!

Rainbow: That's creepy, but flattering! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!

She continues her mantra until Derpy starts saying it along with her. From that point on, she looks toward the copycat Pegasus with suspicion.

After a while, they finally enter the weather patrol headquarters and enter the locker room.

Rainbow: Well, back to the ol' grind.

Derpy: Well, back to the ol' grind.

Rainbow emerges from the locker room in her weather patrol outfit, Derpy following close behind, until she realizes something important.

Rainbow: Forgot my goggles.

Derpy: Uh, me too.

They go back in, then put their goggles on and head out for work. Rainbow Dash easily clears a cloud from the sky, while Derpy clears an identical cloud right next to it. Then, she cautiously approaches a storm cloud to move it to another area, but it zaps her in the process. Derpy rams into the storm cloud, and it shocks her too. The two Pegasi fall to the ground identically.

A while later, the two are resting on a cloud high above the others and admiring their work for today. Rainbow starts to whistle a tune, and Derpy follows her in whistling the same tune until she stops.

Rainbow: Whew!

Derpy follows her in wiping her forehead from sweat, but Rainbow ends up wiping her goggles away with it.

Rainbow: Hehe. Dropped my goggles.

She quickly goes into a nosedive to retrieve her goggles.

Derpy: Uh, me too.

They both retrieve their goggles and go back to relaxing onto their cloud. Rainbow, curious, flies down off their resting place. Predictably, Derpy follows her, and she sees Rainbow placing her hoof on a hot metal roof that's been in the sun all day. Rainbow has an evil grin on her face as Derpy decides to copy her action, but she can only last a few seconds before burning her hoof.

Derpy: OWWWWWWWW!

Rainbow: Aha!

Rainbow holds up the fake hoof and foreleg she was using to touch the roof.

Rainbow: You're copying me!

Derpy: Yes.

Rainbow: Why are you doing that?!

Derpy: So I can get an award like you.

Rainbow: Well, it's annoying, so stop it!

Derpy: Stop it.

They both put on a look of surprise.

Rainbow: Say, you're good.

Derpy: Thanks.

Both: Ha! Darn.

They both contemplate and put on thinking faces.

Both: Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as…PICKLED HORSE LIPS!

Rainbow: Eep!

Derpy: Eep!

Both: Salt lick…Appleoosa…

Rainbow: (thinking) _At least I'm safe inside my mind._

Derpy: (thinking) _At least I'm safe inside my mind._

Both: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

They both hastily fly through Ponyville, dodging various shopping carts and buildings.

Rainbow: Stop copying me!

Derpy: There's no award for that!

As she's flying, Derpy's goggles fall off, and they land right next to Fluttershy, who just happened to be walking through town.

Fluttershy: Well, I guess it's safe to go up now.

She only gets a few feet up before letting her fear of heights get to her and letting out a high-pitched, adorable squeak.

Rainbow: Derpy, how long are you gonna keep this up?!

Derpy: Until I have as many awards as you!

Rainbow: We'll see about that!

Derpy: No, we won't!

They land on the ground and run for a short while, giving Rainbow Dash the opportunity to get out a jump-rope.

Rainbow: I'm the jump-rope champion of Ponyville!

Derpy: Me, too!

She gets out an identical jump-rope and starts skipping it along with Rainbow.

Rainbow: Oh, yeah?! I call this one the Slice N' Dice!

She crosses her arms multiple times while jump roping and comes out successfully while Derpy just ends up tying herself up in the rope.

Rainbow: Ha! Not a scratch on me!

Simultaneously, she breaks up into little pieces that start hopping down the road.

Derpy: Oh, no you don't!

She squeezes the rope around her until she too breaks down into pieces that follow Rainbow Dash.

A little while later, they're again up in the air and hitting hammers on their heads repeatedly.

Rainbow: Not much fun being me now, huh Derpy?!

Derpy: Are you kidding?! I used to do this WAY before I started copying you!

She hits the hammer a little too hard and ends up in a dazed state that sends her crashing into a nearby field.

Rainbow laughs in victory and runs to her house, but slams into it, finding that she can't open the door. She soon discovers that Derpy has somehow built a much shoddier version of her cloud house right next to her actual house. Rainbow Dash fumes with anger at this.

Derpy: My turn!

Rainbow quickly moves out of the way as Derpy slams into the house. Then, she flies into her real house and locks the door behind her.

Rainbow: I wish I had the old Derpy back, bet she just wants to be like me.

She suddenly gets an idea, which results in her derping her eyes and getting out a can of spray paint.

She flies out of her house with a blonde mane, grey coat, and a trio of bubbles painted on her flank. It looked a little neater than Derpy's makeover, and the only way you could even tell it was Rainbow was her violet eyes, which she was trying her hardest to cross.

Rainbow: (imitating Derpy) _Hi! I'm Derpy Hooves! I'm the dumbest, most unappreciated pony in Equestria, and I wish I were me and not Rainbow Dash!_

Derpy: What's so great about being a big, dumb loser?

Rainbow can't cross her eyes anymore, and her pupils bounce right back to the center of her eyes.

Derpy: Exactly. I was never closer to an award than the minute I started copying you.

Rainbow: (normal voice) But Derpy…

Derpy: Derpy's not here!

Mailpony: Trophy delivery!

Derpy had copied Rainbow Dash so much that she missed her daily mail duties, so they brought in a backup to give ponies their mail. The brown colt with a handlebar mustache drove by in a flying truck and shoved a box into Rainbow's mouth.

Rainbow: Another trophy?

Derpy: Oh, great! What's it for this time?!

Rainbow: 'For Being the Most Beloved Background Pony in the MLP Fanbase', Derpy! This award is for you!

She literally jumps with joy, then squeals as she puts the trophy upside-down on her head.

Rainbow: So, what are you gonna do now?

Derpy: I'm gonna go protect my title!

She flies over to a nearby storm cloud and rams right into it, shocking her and sending her falling to the ground. After all, that's mostly why the Internet likes her: Her slapstick.

**French Narrator: You thought I was kidding, did you? No, here in Ponyville, success can be found even under the clouds.**


End file.
